Monday, 30th January 2006

Countdown begins...well, almost.

I woke up this morning and like billions of other people on the planet needed to empty my bladder. Nothing unusual with that. However I did notice the urine was a little cloudy. After breakfast I called the oncology nurse at the chemo unit in the hospital to let her know that I seemed to have an infection. She advised me to see the nurse practitioner at my local surgery with a sample so that it could be tested.

Our GP's surgery is opposite the house. This comes in handy when the kids break out with a nasty rash; I call the surgery, hold up a child to a window, and then look out for the elaborate set of Anglo-Saxon hand signals from the nurse advising me what to do and where to go. Before my appointment I decided to walk across the road to get one of the special containers medical people give you when they need a sample. The waiting room was packed to the rafters. So in as discreet a manner as I could muster, I asked the weary-looking receptionist for a container. I explained, in a hushed voice, I was seeing the nurse later. “IS IT FOR A URINE SAMPLE MRS KESSELMAN?” You could have heard a pin drop. No one looked round but they must have heard. I nodded and managed a polite “Thank you” as a clear perspex tube with a lid was handed across the counter.

Dignity only slightly damaged I returned home and tried to use the tube. I wondered if the receptionist had given me a boy's container; surely a girl's one should have a wider diameter? Anyway, I managed to get a sample into the tube, but I had to sort of stand on the toilet seat and aim from a great height. Some things come easier to me than others. Nevertheless, at five to twelve, I returned triumphantly to the surgery. I greeted the receptionist with a cold stare; I felt like waving the little tube in front of her while saying “Guess what I've got?” But that would have been childish and very silly. God knows I came close. The nurse stuck a little piece of paper into the tube and confirmed I had a urinary infection. She prescribed a three day course of antibiotics.

I called the oncology nurse to report my findings. She said “Right then, we can't start you tomorrow as we need all that to clear up before we can begin” We agreed a new start date Tuesday, 7th February 2006. I put the phone down and breathed a sigh of relief. I had not meant for this to happen, but I have seven more days to prepare.

Sunday, 29th January 2006

Meanwhile back in suburbia.....

My friend Debbie, who drove miles across London to our house with a three course meal shortly after I got back from hospital, called me to say she is organising a delivery of her mung bean soup later today. We will have some this evening then freeze the rest. It can be a ready-made meal during the coming weeks when I might be feeling tired. What can I say? She is a gem.

In the meantime Bryan and I continue to be interested in the link between good diet and good health.

The Japanese island of Okinawa where the diet is practically vegan (no meat or dairy) has a growing number of people reaching the age of 100 according to a recent article on healthy living in The Guardian. The secret ? Well, apart from the consumption of more soy based food than we consume in the West, they eat more fish, fruit and vegetables, especially it seems, sweet potato. There are, I am sure, a number of other factors that influence the longevity and well-being of the islanders however when I call into the supermarket for my weekly shop I make sure a bag of sweet potatoes goes into the trolley.

Another source of interest for us has been sprouted seeds and beans. Sprouts are nutritional super foods well known for the boost they give to our immune system, high in antioxidants, fibre and, what's more, some of them are quite tasty. Some of them, like alfalfa, I have sworn never to buy again, it looks a little strange and tasted a little too odd for my liking. But then again, so did Green tea when I first tried it, and now I have two or three cups a day. Bryan, being the wonderful person he is, took it upon himself to order “ biosnacky” a mini greenhouse which cultivates sprouts developed by a company set up by swiss health pioneer Alfred Vogel. Mr Vogel died at the age of 94 leaving behind an industry based on healthy eating. http://uk.avogel-server.org/index.php.

I have never met anyone who has admitted to me they grow their own sprouts. In fact three months ago if I had come across a person who was into this sort of thing I would have expected them to be wearing black, understand the significance of all the zodiac signs, probably had the right sort of crystals on display near their desk/window, regularly meditated and was, of course, an evangelical vegetarian. Come to think of it, I do have a few black items in my wardrobe. The rest will probably come with time.

All the vitamins and other good substances found in sprouted seeds will help me fight the effects the chemotherapy will have on all the healthy cells in my body. However there is a large body of evidence which suggests we should all be including sprouted seeds in one form or other in our diets. I am hoping the children can be tempted to try some.

Determined as I am to pass on healthy eating habits to our pride and joys I bought a child-friendly juicer. I found a plastic one that will bounce off the floor and, for the first time, the children squeezed some fruit to make their own fruit juice. They had fun with oranges trying it out and even managed to drink some of the juice(!).

I met 'boxing-gloves-Jaks' for a healthy lunch: we both agreed on the medicinal benefits of red wine and talked a lot about the link between good food and good health. So much, when I think about it, is common sense but sadly not so common practice - in this country at least. Finally, I started to think about how I would look in few weeks time with no hair. My sister and my mother have been thinking about this too. They have given me some hats which have come in rather handy with all the chilly weather. I'm not sure about a wig. I might settle for a nice selection of headscarves. The Grace Kelly look perhaps? A hard act to follow. Nevertheless maybe a cool pair of sunglasses (even though it's January and minus 2 outside), a neat headscarf and some serious lipstick could do the trick.

Thursday, 26th January 2006

What the oncology nurse said

I went to meet the oncology nurse on Monday in preparation for the first of six cycles of treatment which start on 31s January 2006. The nurse ushered me into a room with the a sign on the door that read "Counselling Room". Boxes of tissues were sensitively placed around the room which had a number of seats. This was clearly a room where people came to terms with difficult news. The nurse offered me some tea then briskly got down to business: "Best you tell me what you know about the chemo then I can fill in the gaps."

I spoke about my meeting with 'Captain Mainwaring' and the side effects he relayed. "Hmmm.. there's a little more detail I can provide."

The nurse went on to explain the particular treatment for breast cancer I will be given known as FEC. FEC is named after the initials of the drugs used namely fluorouracil, epirubicin and cyclophosphamide. The drugs are administered via a fine tube into a vein in my hand or arm. I will also be given anti-sickness drugs this way. I can come in be given the drugs and then free to go after about an hour and a half. I am to be given a rest period of three weeks with no chemotherapy and, providing the number of white blood cells in my body have been restored to an acceptable level, they do it all over again. And so it goes on for five further cycles.

The effects can begin seven days after the treatment with individuals feeling at their worse 10-14 days after the chemotherapy. Then, what usually happens is that an individual's blood count gradually returns to normal before the next cycle can start. So far so good. I'm not liking what the nurse has to say but I understand. The nurse spoke about some other possible side effects such as mouth ulcers, taste changes, skin changes such as an itchy rash, irritation of the bladder, diarrhoea, blurred vision and possible impacts on the heart. She then advised me against extending the family further around this time. I guess she has to cater for everyone she sees however I cannot help but think who in their right mind would get pregnant when going through this. The nurse also said she would carefully monitor the epirubicin as it is injected because it can damage tissue around the vein if the needle or tube leaks. Damage tissue around the vein ? I imagine it's not going to feel too good once it moves inside my veins either. Finally, the nurse admitted something which I think we both understood from the start of the meeting: "Basically, on Tuesday next week we're going to be injecting you with..well.. poison". For the first time, I found myself glancing at one of the tissue boxes. But no need. I relayed to the nurse how I had stepped up my water intake and the nurse suggested I drink as much as I could to flush the rotten stuff out as soon as it had done its dastardly deed. I was then taken on a tour of the chemo suite and asked to go for a blood test and an ECG.

When I got back home I treated myself to a cup of Ceylon tea ( not a slice of ginger or lemon in sight). I switched on one of my all time favourite music tracks, pulled on my boxing gloves and thought "Bring it on, I 'm ready".

Sunday, 22nd January 2006

Why Chemotherapy?

This is a question I asked myself shortly after returning home from hospital and only recently uncovered the complete answer.

A copy of the pathologist's report I received after the surgery revealed that my cancer was Grade 3, more aggressive than the Grade 2 suggested by the biopsy and, what initially looked like three distinct masses in my left breast was in fact one large mass that had started to spread. The MRI scan report notes there was evidence the cancer had spread to two of the 32 lymph nodes under my arm as these looked enlarged. Lymph nodes are part of the body's lymphatic system http://www.cancerhelp.org.uk/help/?page=117#drain and are located at several points around the body. The lymph nodes usually become swollen when fighting infection: in my case this was clear evidence the cancer had found a route to the rest of my body. A route interrupted by my surgeon who advised me before the surgery he would remove all 32 lymph nodes.

I, like most people, had no idea I had as many as 32 lymph nodes underneath each arm however now understand why my left arm will be vulnerable to infection, in all probability, for the rest of my life. So in answer to the question “Why chemotherapy?” it has become clear through my own reading around the subject that the treatment is given to patients who have a cancer that has started to spread. In my case the spread appears to have been confined to the lymph nodes as the CT scan, bone scan and MRI scan did not pick up anything elsewhere. However this does not mean the presence of cancerous cells elsewhere in my body can be ruled out; that is why the chemotherapy is required. Cancer cells are fast dividing cells and chemotherapy drugs has been carefully developed to interfere with the duplication process of these rogue cells.

Side-effects of Chemotherapy

Well, hair loss is well-documented. However I can expect a number of other side-effects:

Infertility

A large proportion of women become infertile and I have been told my periods are likely to cease and not return effectively bringing forward the menopause.

Tiredness

Some people report tiredness for two or three days after the injections others for a week with energy levels gradually returning to normal before you get the next injection and then it begins all over again.

Susceptibility to infection

The chemotherapy medicine cannot tell the difference (yet!) between fast dividing cancer cells and fast dividing healthy cells such as those that exist in bone marrow and the digestive tract. As the bone marrow forms an important part of the immune system I am likely to be vulnerable to infection. Not a good time I imagine for me to catch anything and the oncologist suggested I avoid contact with young children (whoops) and people who may be sick with something.

Nausea

A feeling of nausea is caused by the unusual levels of acidity in the stomach. This is triggered by the drugs. However, the oncologist assures me that if I take the anti-sickness tablets “religiously” this will be significantly reduced.

There are are a number of other possible side-effects such as weight gain, hot flushes etc, all useful to know in advance. It's not enough that I will be bald : I am also likely to be fat, red faced and regularly have moments when I want to throw up. Great company really for anyone planning a visit. But surely it won't be as bad as all that ? On the plus side: no hairy legs to worry about in the Summer - and think of all the money I will be saving that I used to spend on Shampoo.

I was contacted by the hospital and was told the treatment is likely to start week commencing 30th January 2006. I can't say I'm looking forward to any of it, and yet in a bizarre way, I can't wait to get going with it all. Maybe a part of me is afraid that some cancerous cells remain. I cheer myself up with the knowledge that, for all the unpleasant side-effects, chemotherapy has one central benefit: it will inflict maximum damage to any cancerous cells, stop them from harming me and provide me with the chance to continue my life.

Getting ready for Chemotherapy

Monday, 16th January 2006

While I was in hopsital I was advised to get my hair cut very short to prepare myself and others for the most visible side effect of chemotherapy: hair loss. I have spoken to a lady recently who is going through chemo and she thought this was good advice. I have prepared the children for the change in my apprearance by saying that I am going to be taking very strong medicine and that this will make my hair fall out but, when the medicine stops, it will grow back.

I wondered about going to a hairdresser and worried a bit about how I would feel so in the end I asked one of the Mums from school who runs a hair salon from home. I felt better about being with someone I knew however I had never seen myself with short hair so was a little apprehensive. Frankly this is the least of my problems yet it seemed like a very big event. In the end it was fine and all credit to Yas for being so chirpy with me looking like I didn't want to be there. I was immensely relieved when it was all over and I felt fine. The reaction from family and friends has been favourable and I now feel ready for the next round.


Bryan and I went to see the oncologist on Friday. The oncologist was in good form and spoke to me a bit like Captain Mainwaring would to one of his fully trained Home Guards. " Now look here, this is the commando section, it's going to be tough but it's the Gold standard. You no longer have Breast cancer but we must not drop our defences. We have to reduce the risk of the enemy coming back so I'm going to put you on a 30 week assault course"

I wanted to jump up, salute,click my heels together and say" Yes Sir Captain Mainwaring!"

January 2006

Recovery and knocking this damn thing right out


Since coming out of hospital, I have been concentrating on sorting out my diet as I can see I was not one of the healthiest eaters on the planet. A typical day would begin like this; a cup of coffee with a slice of whole meal buttered toast and a dollop of marmalade. I love marmalade. Then, a little after I had arrived in the office and answered/deleted/laughed at some e-mails, I would have a white coffee sometimes with a currant bun or pain au chocolat. I might drink a couple of cups of water during the morning if I remembered. Lunch would be the 'healthy' section of the day and I would often eat a pasta salad with green leaves included, some fruit, and fruit juice. In the afternoon, about 3-4 pm I would need more food and be one of the first to help out with whatever Birthday celebration/leaving do there might be in the office and eat whatever cakes/biscuits were on offer. Cakes and biscuits would be washed down with tea or yet more coffee. In the evenings we'd eat late and it was not unusual to have a ready-made meal (so highly processed food) between 8.30 -9pm. And, as I also loved puddings, I would not think twice of heating a spotted dick/fruit crumble smother it with custard and wash it all down with..yes folks...you've guessed it, another cup of coffee. That's pretty much how it's been for the last 10 years.

All of this, combined with a largely sedentary occupation meant that my body's immune system was badly prepared for any major illness let alone cancer.
So, while I was in hospital I started to read Suzannah Olivier's excellent book " The breast cancer prevention and recovery diet "(which incidentally is on special offer on Amazon at the time of writing ). The author a cancer survivor and a qualified nutritionist has researched the subject meticulously. And, within a few pages the links between a healthy diet and low incidence of any cancer become quite obvious. Sadly it has taken a shock like this to make me see the error of my ways.

A recipe for health

I want to share some of the tips I have taken from the book which, because of the words 'Breast Cancer' on the front may not be read by the very people that need to read it most: people like me being busy in an office, too busy to look after themselves.

I have taken action to aid my recovery, reduce the risk of recurrence in my own case and of course prevent this from happening to any other member of my immediate family:

* I now start my day with a glass of warm water and continue to drink water for the rest of the day to try and achieve the 1.5 litres we should be drinking on a daily basis. I think I may be nudging close to that if you include herbal teas.

* I am eating a minimum of 5 fruit & veg. a day. Since 2nd January my diet has changed quite radically in fact. I usually have two kiwi fruit after my water then chop up a pear and eat it with my bran flakes and soya milk first thing. Mid morning I will have an orange followed by an apple. Lunch will typically be a salad based on spinach or other leaves with peppers, tomatoes and a boiled egg /whole meal roll. Mid afternoon I tend to eat a pear or other fruit then an evening meal around 7 pm based on vegetables sometimes with some oily fish followed by more fruit served perhaps with natural live organic yogurt.

* I add two tablespons of linseeds to my bran flakes/muesli each morning. I can't remember why I am doing this particular one but, as it's easy enough, in it goes.

* We have upweighted our purchase of organic food( less risk of pesticides and diseased animals landing on your plate). Not easy as it can be expensive but then so are some of the ready made meals we used to buy.

* Severely reduced intake of fats. Cakes and biscuits are no longer part of my daily routine. I had a cup of coffee on 1st january and not touched one since. I have switched to herbal teas and drink Green tea whenever I can, although it is a taste I am still trying to get used to.

* I am eating 3 portions of oily fish a week and making a conscious effort to eat beans or pulses on a daily basis.

* I have stepped up the fibre content of my food to aim for the 25 g Ms Olivier suggests and also reduced meat consumption to the point where I think I could live without it.

Naturally I have modified this for the children who are not being made to eat soya/linseeds but who are now eating a lot more organic fruit and vegetables.

The result ? Well, I thought I would be really miserable on all the 'rabbit food' etc but I have to report the opposite. I feel more alert, my concentration seems to have improved and ironically I feel healthier than I have felt for years. There are a lot of other things I have to fix however feel confident about the new approach.


Chocolate

This no longer features as one of the snacks I have on a daily basis. I am coping fairly well although I have not been able to cut it out completely. We have both switched to Green & Black's Organic plain chocolate (http://www.greenandblacks.com/) and allow ourselves a few squares a couple of times a week. The taste is completely different and lingers a lot longer. Mmmmmmm..... However my sister, talented and gifted girl that she is, recently found another really fabulous chocolate in a health food shop called Montezuma (http://www.montezumas.co.uk/). According to the Montezuma website Montezuma had 60 portions a day to keep his harem happy. A little excessive, even by my own standards, but he knew why he was doing it. No one try this it home. The montezuma's plain chocolate bar I tasted had a high cocoa content (73%). The chocolate is very strong and a little on the bitter side but,like Green & Black's, the taste lingers longer than the taste I used to get from chocolate with lower cocoa and higher sugar content,so one square was plenty.

Food shopping

Food shopping used to be a chore. Now it is something I look forward to. In fact I am on the verge of becoming a Dr Gillian McKeith (http://www.drgillianmckeith.com/) foodie fan: I linger with delight by the fruit and vegetable stalls buying as many as I can in all sorts of shapes and sizes. When I get to the check-out the trolley is a riot of colour.I feel so happy I want to start singing. And that's before I start eating any of it. Join me and start snacking on fruit, vegetables, seeds. Start drinking more water, at least 1.5 litres TODAY. Your body will thank you for it, you will start to fight off all those bugs people tend to get during the winter but most of all it will add sparkle to your eyes, and make you look and feel great. That's how it has been for me for the last two weeks at least. I hope it lasts forever.

My discovery

Sunday 13th November 2005 began like most Sundays; our eldest son Joshua came into our room around 6.30 am, announced he was awake and encouraged me to stumble out of bed and somehow I made it downstairs. We talked about the day ahead and I made us both breakfast. About an hour later our youngest son Benjamin woke up and then about an hour after that my husband Bryan wandered bleary-eyed into the living room. As Head of Music for an independent girl's school he had the all important rehearsal at School that day with the children for their end of term performance Babes in Arms. With Bryan safely installed in the living room to supervise the children, I decided to head for the shower and that's when I discovered the lump in my left breast.

Nothing can prepare you for something like this.

What follows is my story since that November morning. I am writing primarily for myself as I have always enjoyed writing but also to create a record of events as they infold so others can follow this journey with me.

November 2005

I made an appointment to see my GP my usual doctor was not in that morning so I saw the Registrar and she was sufficiently worried to refer me to a consultant surgeon who specialised in breast care. When I asked her how she had come across the surgeon she said that she had trained with him while working as a house doctor in hospital and that this is the man she would go to if she were to find herself in my situation. That was good enough for me.

The consultant surgeon inspired confidence from our first meeting. I agreed to a biopsy and an ultrasound and he confirmed that there was a lump which looked 'suspicious' in my left breast but that my right breast was fine. The elapsed time between the biopsy and the result of the biopsy was testing to say the least: did I have cancer? Was this just a benign cyst? Do I tell people at work ? A myriad of thoughts flow through your mind however deep down I sensed everything would be all right.

The results eventually came through and the consultant confirmed the tumour was cancerous. I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Further tests including an MRI scan, a bone scan, a CT scan and a mammogram, would confirm what progamme of treatment would be offered to me. This might involve surgery such as a lumpectomy, plus chemotherapy, possibly radiotherapy and hormone based treatment for a number of years.

I work full-time as a corporate affairs manager for Voca (http://www.voca.com/) which specialises in providing highly secure payments services such as Direct Debits and monthly salaries to the banking industry and their corporate customers. I am also married and the mother to two beautiful young boys. My busy world ground to a halt. I spoke to my boss at the time and told others at work as and when the various medical appointments allowed.

Eventually the results of all the scans came in. On the positive side the bone and CT scan showed the cancer had not spread to my bones and vital organs. Less positive was the fact the MRI picked up two other smaller tumours and that the primary tumour was over 2 cms in diameter (2.2 to be precise). We discussed the merits of starting with chemotherapy to reduce the size of the tumours however this did not work for everyone and in the meantime those cancer cells could spread further. The circmstances I found myself in meant that a lumpectomy would not provide me sufficient protection for the future and that's when a mastectomy i.e the removal of the entire breast was raised in my conversation with the Surgeon. To find out that you have cancer is one thing to then have to contemplate the removal of part of the body, my body, was something else. Naturally I cried. However I kept coming back to the fact that it was me that had made the discovery, perhaps not as early as I would have liked, but still in good enough time to have arrested the spread to the rest of me. Also there was a medical team around me dedicated to restoring me to full health and I had the support of my wonderful family, friends and colleagues at work. There was and is only one course of action for me and that is to get well and stay well. If this meant having a mastectomy then that is what I would do.

December 2005

After some time for reflection, I agreed to the mastectomy but asked for a delayed re-construction of my left breast. It's great to be given a choice about the timing of this second procedure and I am so lucky to be living in the 21st century with access to 21st century medicine. So why delay? The Surgeon explained he would need to remove all the lymph nodes under my left arm aswell as the tumours and my breast plus I had an extensive course of treatment during the coming months. The thought of having to cope with reconstructive surgery as well as recuperating from the removal of the lymph nodes and my breast was too much for me. This is a personal choice. I know of other women who have opted for immediate reconstruction; I think everyone makes the decision that is best for their own circumstances.

How do others cope with the news?

It is not easy having to explain this to parents, siblings or friends, and I was acutely aware people would hear the word cancer and that it would sound deadly. And, let's face it, it can kill. However survival rates are now higher than they have ever been and improving with time. I am convinced I am going to get well and this state of mind informed my choice of words as I broke the news to my family and friends. This is easy enough for me to write however it could not have been easy to find out that your daughter/sister/wife/daughter-in law/friend has cancer. I have been very open with the children however explained things in their terms i.e that Mummy has a lump in her chest, is going to have an operation and of course tell them what I have been telling myself, and everyone else: I am going to get better. In fact, better than better. Fighting fit!

People around me seem to be coping despite the worrying news. My sister Rosemary gave me the Dr Gillian McKeith books "You are what you eat" and the "You are what you eat cookbook". These have helped enormously and we have started to make dietary changes at home to make us all healthier. My husbannd Bryan bought me Susannah Olivier's book "The breast cancer prevention and recovery diet" There is a qoute on the front of the book from Mike Hudson, consultant surgeon breast care unit, Queen Elizabeth hospital ' A book for all women to read' and, having got half way through it, I can see why.

Macmillan nurses www.macmillan.org.uk

I contacted the Macmillan nurse based at the hospital: she was inspiring and reassuring from the start. We discussed the purchasing of post surgical bras and a soft prosthesis that would sit inside the left cup so that I could for all intents and purposes look and feel normal as I was out and about. Marks and Spencer have a good range of post surgical bras; thank goodness for that. We also discussed how I would look and feel; how I would lose mobility in my left arm; the risk of lymphoedema and of course my recovery plan. This began to make it all very real and the scale of what was about to happen to me began to hit home. I looked at my left breast when I got home that day in the mirror; it looked fine and matched my healthy breast and yet the lump (s) were there and would eventually kill me unless the breast was removed. Not a great situation to be in but at the same time I wanted to maximise the chances of a long term survival. I sort of said 'Good-bye' and began to focus on the information provided to me by my Macmillan nurse which included a couple of mastectomy fashion catalogues. Maybe things would not be as bad after all?

What happened after the surgery

I was admitted into hospital on 10th December at 2005 at 10 am, met my surgeon again and I signed the consent form for the mastectomy, we discussed post operative care. Before going into theatre, I was paid a visit by one of the hospital's physiotherapists. She showed me some exercises to do as soon as I was wheeled back to the ward and then a day or so after the surgery. The first included opening and closing the fist of my left hand. I was then taken to the operating theatre and felt amazingly calm. As I was speaking to the anaesthetist to check if she and the Surgeon had had lunch, ( I couldn't bear the thought that these people might be working on an empty stomach) she laughed and assured me they had. I felt a sharp needle go into my right hand and the anaesthetist said the anaesthetic would go in at any moment. I started to get ready by opening and closing my left hand and then fell into a deep sleep.

I woke up at around 4.30 pm, looked at the clock in the recovery room and breathed a sigh of relief. Round 1 had started and I was in there, fighting it out.

As I was travelling up in the lift from the recovery room to the ward, I became aware of tubes leading to various drips and bottles; they all seem to be attached to me. I raised my left hand and felt the area on my chest where my left breast used to be: it was completely flat and completely numb. I then passed my hand over to the right and felt a familiar shape, a shape I knew I had to look after a little more carefully in the future. Bryan was waiting for me when I was wheeled into the ward; we spoke for a while. Prior to my admission we had both planned a timetable, with almost military precision, that allowed Bryan to fulfill all his obligations at his school while at the same time enabling him to attend Joshua and Benjamin's nativity concerts at their schools. Not only that, but he would also get a flavour of life as a single a parent for a week. That said, he's a good egg and I knew would just 'get on with it'.

After he left one of the nurses explained I was wired up to a morphine drip for pain relief. At first I didn't think I would need it, then as the evening progressed, I found my self pressing the button that sent a shot through my veins quite a few times. Apparently the amounts were too small to allow me to be become addicted and were carefully controlled so that I could not give myself too much. The other liquid I found I needed was water; I drank endless bottles.

My stay in hospital lasted a week and I cannot fault the nursing care or any of the staff that came into contact with me. The Macmillan nurse however was in a class of her own; she instinctively knew when to come and see me and, when my morale dipped; she knew what to do. Few have the gift of making everyting seem alright in these circumstances however the Macmillan nurse came close. My main anxiety related to my appearence. The Macmillan nurse ran through with me practicalities of how to fit the prosthesis and this made me feel a lot more confident about leaving my ward area for a little walk.

Within a few days I was off the morphine and given oral pain relief in tablet form. Pain relief medicine can have some unpleasant side effects and I suffered two of them:nausea and constipation. The former began to fade with the new pain relief and several glasses of Prune juice took care of the latter.

'When you're smiling'

Before going to hospital, I received a lovely bouquet of flowers and a box of chocolates from my colleagues in the office at Voca, this was followed by another stunning bouquet of flowers from staff at Band and Brown (www.bbpr.com) , a communcations consultancy in London I have been working with the last couple of years and a pair of boxing gloves. The boxing gloves arrived in a cardboard box and were sent by Jackie Elliot who I had worked with in the past and who now works at College Hill (www.collegehill.com) A note inside simply read 'these will help knock this damn thing right out!' The boxing gloves came with me to hospital and, when I became a bit uncomfortable, I put them on. Goodness knows what I must have looked like laid out on that bed with all those tubes wearing a pair of boxing gloves. However they helped and are never too far away. During the days that followed I received cards, phone calls, more flowers, chocolates and more cards. Virtually all the cards featured the same words and every time I read the messages on the cards, I became more determined to do that one thing: to get well.

I also found a number of reasons to smile in the hospital. Firstly those tumours were gone and every time I thought about that, I beamed with joy. Secondly my family and friends were great company and I have to take my hat off to our youngest son, who is just four years old, for making me laugh when he came to visit. He scrambled up onto my bed and spotted buttons, which when pressed, would make the bed would go 'up' and 'down', then 'up' and then 'down' again. We gently persuaded him this was not allowed however it was fun while it lasted.

The last day of my stay in hospital coincided with my Birthday and began with a wonderful surprise. One of my many weaknesses relates to chocolate and, until I went into hospital I ate some virtually every day. So when it came to organising the staff party at work, I was the one that said we had to have a 'Chocolate Fountain' and we finished up with two. (See below). That was my main contribution towards the party which took place on 3rd December at Madame Tussauds. We had a lovely evening and had pictures taken with the rich and famous well, their effigies really. My dress was streaked with chocolate when I looked at it the next morning. But it was worth it.

Chocolate fountain

My husband and I !

Picasso's waxwork (L)

I digress. When office chums pitched up to visit me in hospital on the morning of my Birthday, they came bearing a rather large parcel. They had big grins on their faces and suggested I open it straight away. And lo and behold there it was: my very own chocolate fountain for the home. It doesn't get any better than that. I laughed and laughed. On Christmas day it had its first outing and the whole family got stuck in.